Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Panties = found
Randomize
