I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
