Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You're like the curious george of whores
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you had me at cake vodka
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
