i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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