She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
