Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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