I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize