'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
