If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize