The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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