Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
