Moan for me like Helen Keller
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize