We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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