My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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