She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize