I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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