so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
