Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
