Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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