I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
