every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
