I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
