my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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