This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
