Pappa wants mamma naked
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
