just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
