if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
