The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He did a backflip because drugs
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
