i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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