Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
