I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
be right there i have to get my cape
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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