are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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