You just made me feel so damn special
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
