A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
