my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
