I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
