Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
of course. lets lasso hookers.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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