Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
