I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
