i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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