While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
