Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
