i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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