Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
