Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
