I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
