I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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