her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
