Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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