I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize