why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize