1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
