Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
