god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
this hospital has no fireball
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
