Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Randomize
