I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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