i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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