Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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