he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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